It’s something we learn very early on. Fitting in is taught the majority of us through modeling. It’s so subtle.
When you see your dad at a party talking to his friend about their new drone and then a week later your dad shows up with the same drone. As a child, when you see your friends wearing the next cool Nike shoes and then another person in the friend group get those same Nike shoes, too. We hear our mothers talking just like the other mom’s talk. We hear things like, “You can’t wear that, it’s dirty or it doesn’t match.” And, “we need to clean up the entire house so that it looks sparkly clean for when your friends come over.”
That’s where it starts, modeling.
And when it gets deeper is the validation we receive as children when we are “doing good”. When you act a certain way (like how I, the parent, want you to act) then you’ll get reinforced. When you are kind (and not too loud, too sassy, too funny, too spunky, too boyish) then I give you more praise and love.
I’m not here to talk about parenting right now, I’m here to share with you WHY we have this unconscious need to fit it.
It’s simply because we were taught to, that’s all. Most of us were not taught to be a wild, free, self-expressed little girls or boys, to believe whatever we want, to dream however big we desire, to dress however we desire to dress.
And so, as kids, adolescents, and adults. We work to FIT IN with the people around us because we think that is how we receive love. This is conditional love. Get this, we work to fit in… EVEN IF WE DON’T PARTICULARLY LIKE THESE PEOPLE. We sell ourselves out to try and fit in with others because we all crave CONNECTION.
It’s the connection that we’re really seeking.
Fitting in simply means changing your language, your dress, your actions, and/or your behaviors to fit in with the social circle around you. If the moms you hang out with talk kids, you talk kids. If the family never talks about sex, you never talk about sex. And so forth.
B.O.R.I.N.G – no wonder you get deathly bored with your connections, you can predict what you’ll talk about before you even go to the party!
But fitting in stifles us. It slowly chokes out our drive, our zest, and our inspiration. It actually kills your creative magic, your muse, your self-expression.
And then… you lose yourself. You become so far away from your true essence that YOU don’t even like you anymore. You don’t like who you’ve become. You don’t like what you talk about.
You get bored of…. you! You want to reignite the passion, the zest, the creativity, the muse!
When we can put down the fitting-in card and rather value deep connection, THAT is when the true magic starts. Something profound begins to happen, you start to be you. You throw the stakes out the window. You don’t NEED those connections in your life because you learn how to TURN ON YOUR OWN CONNECTION TO YOU. And when you do this, you desire (not need) friends and relationships with deep connection.
A sacred space where you can be yourself, act yourself, wear whatever… and no not just when your drunk, all the time. The conversations are SO MUCH MORE FUN!!
So watch this video below as I dive into fitting in vs. connection. You’ll begin to learn HOW TO start to own your own self-expression one micro-decisions at a time.
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