Are in and unhappy relationship? Maybe you are feel disconnected, overwhelmed or under appreciated. You cannot help but wonder, what changed? Things used to be so much better. We would spend hours talking and hanging out. Now, we seem so busy and distracted from what we used to have!
“It didn’t used to be this way…” you repeat to yourself.
Well, today I have a few inside insights and tips for you today.
Often, our lovely female brain, desires to think of the absolute worst situation, like, “Should I leave?” “I’m so sick of this.” “Thank you brain for *attempting* to put me into a frenzie!”
The good news is you have the power to shift this. Yes, you do!
Before you start getting overly dramatic (don’t worry, I do this sometimes, too). Let’s get grounded and see if we can uncover some quick insights and relationship tips to get you back on track.
Sometimes we start to blame our marriage for our unhappiness, when ACTUALLY, happiness is an inside game, sister! There is a cause and and effect to every situation. Sometimes we say the marriage is the cause of our unhappiness.
I’m not always buying this notion. I’m going to have you go a little deeper and see what is REALLY going on here. So regardless if you are 100% committed to stay or 100% committed to go, here is how you can clean up your energy before you go make *any* big decisions.
Get your journal out and let’s get started!
Tip 1: What is the cause?
You are feeling unhappy. Happiness is a choice. It’s a choice to feel joy each day which over time turns into long-term happiness. I want you to recall… when did this unhappiness start: when I was a child, at ____ event, when so-and-so died, or ___________. Just simply state whatever comes to mind right away, there is no wrong answer. You can keep writing if there are multiple situations.
This information is really insightful for you. You may be blamed someone else or something else and when you really dove a bit deeper, you began to uncover the truth. This information can help to set you free. Often, we fester here. We stew and brew on how this situation/person/experience was terrible, wrong or hurtful. When we do this, we are using up our precious energy and time. The stew and brew is likely validating and heighting the unhappiness rather than creating a solution. It takes courage to step out of the problem and create a solution.
Tip 2: Taking Back Your Power: Perspective Shifting!
Taking Back Your Power. This is the tricky AND transformational part. You have a choice. Louder for those in the back, “YOU HAVE A CHOICE.” We are not often in control of the pain that comes into our lives; however, we ARE in control of how much we choose to suffer. I know you have heard stories of people surviving concentration camps and able to create profound impact and joy in their lives and relationships even though they were in horrific situations in the past. You’ve also heard of individuals who seem to “have it all” be completely unhappy.
So what we can conclude from this, that it is NOT about the CIRCUMSTANCE (external factors), rather it’s how we choose to give those moments meaning (inner game).
Thus the marriage itself isn’t causing unhappiness, it’s what MEANING you have associated with your marriage that dictates the emotion you’ll feel about it.
Tip 3: Release & Rise Up
Release and Rise Up: This phase is perhaps the most emotional part of the process. You may have been following thus far, nodding your head in agreement. Now, it’s time to actually take some ACTION and DECIDE to be a different person with a new set of standards and beliefs. It’s about rising into your next level self.
There are lots of different ways to release and rise up that I teach in my 1:1 relationship coaching, today I’ll talk about one option. One way you can do this is to simply write a forgiveness letter to whatever you deemed as the CAUSE of your unhappiness. This is not about the other person or circumstance. This is simply about YOU creating space to have peace of mind.
This is one way you can begin to write the letter. Get out that journal again and finish the following sentences…
- You pissed me off because…
- I choose to forgive you for…
- I choose to forgive MYSELF for… [believe old truths, being sloppy in my boundaries, etc]
- The reason why it’s important to forgive and rise up…
- Now that I’ve released this, I plan to show up differently in this way…
Then afterwards, you can choose to burn, tear up or toss this letter. No need to send it to anyone. This process is for you and ONLY you. Now, I know some of you will just look at this exercise and say, “Oh that’s a great idea.” While others will stop and take the time to do the inner work! It’s the later who will see the shifts. It’s the small shifts over time that create HUGE transformation.
Now that you’ve identified the CAUSE, shifted your perspective and released and rose up, let’s come back to the relationship. When you take ownership over your own emotions and rise up, your circumstances around you will to. It is law. Your marriage will see the benefit if you choose to release and rise from your own lingering hurt of the past. I cannot wait to hear how your relationship with yourself and your partner changed because of this exercise! Please share with me!If you loved this, please come join my private Facebook group at Miraculous Mindset & Radiant Relationships.
What came up for you or resonated with you most?!
Tina Lensing | Transformational Coach | Guiding Women To Turn Mediocre Into Radiant Relationship with deep, intimate connection.