When we talk to our kids about sex, we often project our own discomfort, insecurities and sexual shame onto our kids if we are not aware! I’m all about creating sexually conscious kids and confident parents to aid their children’s development.
The more comfortable with your own sexuality, the more comfortable it will be to talk to your kids about sex, sexuality, boundaries, consent and so much more!
Here are a few tips on how you can get started and begin to have these talks with more ease.
10 Tips On Talking To Your Kids About Sex…
- DO ask questions. This helps your child to lead the conversation and gives you quite a bit of information of what they know and where they are learning information from.
- “Oh that’s interesting, I’m so curious, where did you learn that?”
- “Tell me what you know about…”
- What do you friends say about this topic?
- DO have short ongoing conversation rather than one sex talk.
- There is lots to learn and explore in sexuality and sex. Start with one age-appropriate topic at a time.
- This gets you as a parents into the trust and know circle so they can come back to you when they have more questions that arise in the future.
- DO encourage them to come to you with more questions as they arise.
- You are building a trustful alliance so encourage your kids to come back to you with any questions and you’ll do your best to answer them.
- Explain as best as you can the most accurate answer. It’s okay to not know all the answers to the questions they come up with, just do your best here.
- DO share your own values around sex, relationships and intimacy.
- It’s great for kids to know the values of their parents. Try your best not to say other values are wrong, bad or tell them they “HAVE TO” abide by your values.
- Ultimately, you’re helping them develop their own values.
- Walk your talk. If an important value of yours is respect, make sure you’re modeling that for your kids. They learn SO much from modeling, not just words.
- DO come from a space of curiosity.
- When we have really strong values and beliefs we can tell our kids how it “should be” or the “right” way to be. However, when you come from a space of curiosity, you are able to empower them to create that for themselves. Which ultimately affects their confidence and self-worth, knowing they have the capacity to trust their own intuition and themselves.
- Focus on being OPEN, rather than being right, your child will appreciate this!
- Don’t insert childish or silly names.
- Often we insert silly names when we are uncomfortable with the words ourselves. Do your best to avoid: “doing the deed,” “you know,” “birds and the bees,” “pitching the tent,” “who-ha,” or “planting the seed”.
- Just use anatomically correct terms like, sex, penis, vagina, vulva, scrotum, erection, etc so that they’re educated and become comfortable with the terms.
- Don’t share too many details.
- Sometimes we get nervous and tend to share EVERYTHING WE KNOW, no need. Just stay on topic and discuss the one thing at hand.
- The conversations can get longer and more in depth, but the first few conversations, remember KISS: keep it short and simple.
- Don’t shame kids for sexually exploring.
- Phrases like, “Don’t touch that.” “That’s gross, naughty or bad.” Those are all shaming your child, likely for simply exploring.
- Feel free to share with them what’s appropriate and inappropriate; legal or illegal; in/out of integrity with your values, but not that they are wrong, bad or naughty for sexually exploring.
- If they feel judged, they’ll want to hide things or not speak with you on the topic. You are looking to create a safe space for them to explore, learn and develop.
- Don’t wait until they are 9, 12 or a teenager before you talk to them about sex.
- The longer you wait the more there is to talk about.
- They will learn about sex elsewhere such as the playground, Cosmo, pornography, social media or the internet.
- Sexuality relates to sensuality, creativity, relationships, consent, body image, boundaries and so much more. Sexuality is a big part of their being, help them to explore this in healthy and safe ways!
- Don’t assume they know or don’t know something.
- Simply ask them to check their knowledge, don’t assume they know. They may have been misinformed.
- No need to be aggressive with them “ugh, where did you learn that?” or “that’s not right”. You can be straightforward with the new information or ask them, “are you open to hear my understand of ______?” Asking permission is a beautiful and gentler way to approach any taboo topics.
If you are desiring more support on having age-appropriate conversations, I have a five-week course digital course: Big Talks With Little Humans: Raising Sexually Conscious Kids [age 0-10]
Or if you are looking for a quick OVERVIEW guide on ages 0-10, I have a Conversation Starters PDF Guide: how and when to talk with kids on topics of sex, porn, boundaries, sexual abuse prevention, body parts, emotions, healthy relationships, sensuality, pleasure and more! It’s so juicy and you can hold onto it for years!
What questions do you have for me?!